Sucks


Huh. This is so weird. My parent’s are moving apart, after 25 years of marriage. I suppose 25 years is an even, round, and good number to decide not to live together anymore on. They’re not getting divorced, and I don’t think they’re breaking up either. They were unclear on that subject. They’re just not going to live together anymore. They tried to make it not such a big deal, but I don’t know. It feels like a pretty massive deal to me. I don’t even get WHY it does; I mean, I haven’t lived with them since 2003, they promised to spend holidays together, and mumbled something about Sunday dinners. To ME everything will, at least practically, be the same, at least until they decide whether to actually get divorced or not. Still it feels like nothing will ever be the same again. I can’t really wrap my head around it. I forget it, and then it pops back up again. I’m 25, dagnabbit, I’m too old to be a kid in this situation. I won’t have to lug my things between apartments, I won’t have to decide which parent to spend Christmas with, there are, weirdly enough to be my family, no hard feelings involved. And everything still feels broken.

And when I got back home after the family meeting thing at the house where Mom won’t live anymore, Dad called and said his mother had fallen at the living facility she’s at, and maybe has a broken something. This day is the weirdest ever.

Oh, I’m in such a pissy mood right now. My laptop gave up and died this Saturday, after three and a half years of (all in all) loyal service. I suppose three and a half years for a laptop is okay, but I’m SO not ready to let go. I managed to get in and back up the few photos I’d saved after re-installing in May, and my Sims 2 game, so nothing important was lost. Except all my bookmarks, which I forgot to back up. The shittiest part, though, is that Boyfriend’s laptop is away on service, so now we have to fight over Ye Olde Desktoppe, that’s too old and cranky to even run the Sims2. I’m having serious withdrawal. I installed the game in the vain hope that it somehow MAGICALLY would run, despite it all, and I got it to start, but… actual playing was like looking at a slide-show, even with all the settings set to the minimum. Call the waaahmbulance, ’cause I’m seriously dying here.

We’re also beginning to suspect that our house is, in fact, built on top of the Gates to Hell. The entrance and stairwell is littered with passive aggressive notes, as well as the laundry room, and Bitchy Neighbour Downstairs is whining that SillyDog is too loud when moving around the apartment after SEVEN O’CLOCK in the evening. Boyfriend’s been attacked by various Know-it-alls who try to tell him how to handle dogs while walking SillyDog – the entire neighbourhood seems to consist of whiny, bitchy, butthurt crybabies. And the most annoying thing since we moved here? All our electronics break. Seriously. First it was the espresso machine, then Boyfriend’s macbook, and now my laptop.

And because both fixing the laptop and upgrading Ye Olde Desktoppe would involve changing motherboards, there’s no point in even thinking about it. I’m trying to impress the importance of having at least ONE decent computer in the household on my dad, but he doesn’t seem to understand. He offered my brother’s old computer, which pretty much has the same specs as Ye Olde One.

And Boyfriend’s mother and father is here to visit, too. I like them, I really, really do, but there are PEOPLE in my HOME when I want to be alone and sulk about not getting my daily Sims2-fix.

Yargh.

About two years ago I started to not want to leave my apartment. It wasn’t that I wanted to stay home, I just didn’t want to go anywhere. I’ve always handled my shitty moods and stuff with wanting to go out, seeking out places where there are lots of people and preferably alcohol involved. I used to go to pubs several nights a week. I made stupid jokes. I got drunk. I made out with strange people just to see if I could. I studied hard, I worked hard and partied even harder. I was fun to be around. It wasn’t always so fun to be me; especially not when I ended up going home with people I really shouldn’t have gone home with, like a friend-turned-fuckbuddy’s brother. Oops.

But then I got fed up. I started having more panic attacks (not knowing that was what it was, of course), my stomach started acting up; I had to call in sick for work because I threw up in the morning when I realized I had to go there. Basically, my body was like “WTF dude, you need to calm down”. And gradually, going out started losing it’s charm. It was more pain than it was worth. I rather stayed at home, reading, internetsing, just doing nothing.

At first there was no problems with keeping in touch with my friends, they came over and played video-games, or had coffee, or just hung about. It was nice.

But recently, I’ve started noticing we’re drifting apart. They don’t call me, and I stopped calling them when I realized they had so much going on they almost always had to turn me down when I suggested we’d hang out. It sucks. I know I’m probably not the most fun person to be around right now, seeing as all I do is play the Sims, chat online or take walks with the dog, but I thought we had a friendship that relied on more than getting drunk together. It just doesn’t happen much right now, basically. I can’t tell them stories of all the stupid things I did while drunk, or at all, because my best ones they’ve already heard or saw happening; and I don’t do stuff like that anymore. I’d really like to spend time with them still, and if they’d just ask me, I’d probably tag along on stuff they do. But they don’t ask me. Or they ask Boyfriend if WE want to do stuff, and when he says he can’t but they should ask me, nobody asks.

I don’t want to whine, I don’t want pity, I just want my fucking friends back. I know I could just pick up the phone and call, but it sucks hearing them say they don’t have time to see me. I’d like to have some dignity left.

And then I saw them all today on the yearly picnic/soccer-thing. And I realized we don’t have that much in common anymore. They still lead the kind of life I did two years ago, and I sit around and do nothing. I guess these things happen. People grow apart, move, get married, have kids and stop being friends. But it sucks so bad.

And I miss them. I miss the me I was with them, too.