So I talked to mom yesterday (I was on a brief, but hardcore one-way no speaking thing with her after The Separation discussion, realized I was silly, and quit it) and she said I should call the doctor’s office that seems to have forgotten all about me and DEMAND to get an appointment with them. I shrugged and said I didn’t want to talk about it, went home and analyzed it to bits. This is what I figured out.

1. I don’t want to call anyone, least of all the doctor’s office that has fucking DISSED me.

2. Demanding anything goes very much against all the oh-so-girly bits of my upbringing; even if I want to be the kind of person who demands things, I’m really not.

3. If I would get an appointment after calling, demanding, and refusing to hang up until they said yes, I wouldn’t want the appointment anyway because I would have forced it. I know this is insane, but this is also precisely why I NEED therapy. This presupposes a) that they care about whether I’m there or not, b) that they care about ME, c) that the care/therapy I get is dependent on their feelings towards me, and d) that the person I demand things from will talk smack about me with the person that does the therapy-ing. I know that it doesn’t work that way, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with the situation if I got an appointment after forcing one.

4. I’m pretty sure none of these people can help me, anyway (and this is where the Meyer-Briggs scale bandwagoning begins). I have very high standards as to which people I will listen to and take advice from. Mostly, I’ve realized that the nurses-gone-therapists they have at the doctors’ office have pretty much the same amount of education I have, and my education has mostly revolved around criticizing and deconstructing the theories these people studied as truths. They’re also mostly Freudians, and I fucking HATE Freud. And Freudians. I need a Foucaultian therapist. I don’t think there are any.

I’m also pretty certain they’re all F types. Oh the horror of F types. Being a T, I don’t think there are any aspects of my quirks and insanities I haven’t analyzed to bits yet. I don’t need help with analyzing them again, from the viewpoint of a Freudian F-type. There are few things they can say about my paranoias and phobias that I can’t shoot down too, I suspect. I AM right after all. There are germs and bacteria everywhere, people spread diseases and don’t wash their hands after going to the loo. These are truths; the fact that everyone isn’t a mysophobe probably has more to do with the way they react to this, than the germs themselves. I don’t want to get sick, I definitely don’t want to get stomach bugs, and not being around people lessens the risk of getting ill. The thing with phobias are they are said to be irrational fears; I’m pretty convinced my fear IS rational. The denial of the possibility to get sick from fraternizing with the plebs is what is irrational. I suspect the Freudian F-type therapists will have a very hard time convincing me of anything else.

Meh. I don’t know what else to say. I suspect these are all things therapists would say is part of my problem. Maybe it is. I just have a very hard time allowing anyone else to tell me how to do things.

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